Rain and Emotions

Why does the rain allow our emotions to become dreary? Why do I grow depressed just thinking about it? I feel as though I ought to crawl in bed and forget about everything, but yet I must carry on.

February 1st-April 30th- Norcal, hopefully with a job, saving money, doing side guitar tutoring, and ministering at a church.

April 30th-May 2nd-CBU graduation!!

May 3rd-June ?-back home again

Cruise at end of June?

I guess I need to keep trying at Wells Fargo. They keep telling me that other candidates are better suited, but whatever, I will keep trying.

I have an interview at Safeway on February 1st, so that is good. I guess I can try at other retail stores: Disney Store, Michael’s etc. I havent officially been let go from Disney Store down here, but I am sure that they will soon. I get no hours.

I am also going to start advertising for guitar right when I get there. I can ask coffee shops and local churches if they would let me post a flyer for free. I am not going to even bother with Craig’s list; too much spam!!

In addition, I am going to try out Grace Bible Church, where Winston likes to go. Perhaps they have need of someone in their children’s ministry or music ministry. Either way, I want to be involved. Perhaps I will try to play songs at coffee shops in town too. I really don’t have any decent CDs to sell, but I can advertise guitar lessons and special music as well. I wonder what is going on with the Copyright thing. I had that done back in October, what is taking so long?!

Anyways, it helps to have a plan so I don’t get depressed. Hopefully I will have a job within a week of moving (two weeks max!), and make some friends. I can’t stand sitting around being depressed. I have been doing that since June (off and on). It is time to move on!

Of course, it would help if I exercised more and read the Bible more too. Daily disciple and Spiritual Discipline should go hand in hand. So I need to work on that more. Hopefully some accountability with family when I move (ie; Mom walking with me, Winston biking with me; or something).

Yesterday I finally made the decision about what I was going to do. Everything had finally come to a dramatic head and I am now moving back in with my parents in less then three weeks. I feel at peace about this decision and that it is right, but something inside me is wanting to kill me and everything.

The last three years have been my years of growing spiritually and mentally. They have been my growing up years; of finding out who I am and who God is. I have been learning about independence from my childhood state, but also dependence on God.

But now that must end or be put on hold. I feel like I am going back in time to where I was four years ago: living at home, working, having little friends. I don’t know too many people up there to be honest. There are a few girls I know at my parent’s church, but that is about it. And they are a bit younger than me too.

I know this is right. I have felt peace but something wants to fight against it, to make me doubt this. I have to save money with the hopes that Andrew and I will get married. I want that so much. But once again, it is not about what I want, but what God wants.

So in order to stay sane, I must plan the things I will do once I make the move. Number one: seek out jobs every single day and get interviews. Number two: find a nice church to fellowship at and be a part of worship in some capacity. Number three: advertise guitar lessons as much as possible. These three things I must do, as well as have devotional time every day.

I have now reached a point where  I am asking myself this question.

The past three years has been about me discovering who I am and where I belong. For nineteen and a half years, it was with my family. I often felt like I was the odd ball child because I was independent and had differing ideas than the parents. In spite of that, I felt like I belonged with them. When I went to CBU down south I struggled with finding my purpose in a new world, but yet was thrilled with being on my own.

But now it has come to the point where it is likely that I will have to move back. It has been over three years since I lived with my family. Changes have come to them and to me. They are used to the way they live with eachother… without me there…

How will this work out? Will we fight like we used to? Will I be told “You don’t understand… you haven’t lived here in awhile… you don’t know what it’s like!” Will there be mutual respect and understanding? And how do I move on from living here all these years?

I just recently began to feel like I belonged. I have a wonderful church that I love serving at. The kids know me and I have three guitar students and a possible fourth, and now it all must be ended or put on hold because I can’t find a decent job to help pay rent. Not to mention I ow over $650 in loans every single month. And on an income that barely pays for gas and some food. So yeah, I am a bit frustrated.

Do I trust God? Yes I do. I know He has a plan. But still, I am frustrated. Why would he allow me to have all these guitar students and to greatly enjoy giving lessons, and have a great church, friends, and my wonderful boyfriend, and then say: “Sorry, you need to leave all that behind.” Do I sound selfish? Probably yes. I guess the main thing is that I love comfort and stability. I like to be in a place where I feel accepted and respected. I also like peace of mind and a stress free environment. The place I am renting from is not a stress free environment. It is a strange and awkward place. It is a beautiful home and they have a family and here I am living here, disrupting their quiet, structured lives. I can’t even eat in the kitchen because they have family dinner together.

I miss the family meals together. Yes my family is dysfunctional. I love them all the same. And it is hard eating with my bf’s family at times. Not because they are unaccepting, because they have been the most caring and accepting people I have known down here, but because I want a family of my own. And so, I have thought about marriage a lot. But then I realize that while that may seem an easy way out, it is certainly not something we are ready for. And so, I long for my family again. Yet at the same time, I know there is already a foursome living at their tiny house and the two dogs…. it will be an insane life.

I will have to start over. Find a new church, try to build clientele, make friends (because I really don’t have any up there), et cetera. I am willing to do this, but there may be many nights of tears. I love my family and miss them terribly. It would be nice to see them again. Even if we have to fight a lot like we used to. I have no idea what to expect. It could be completely different then three years ago. I do not know. I just don’t know.

Been discovering so many things about myself in the last year and a half. One thing that I have been learning is that I am easily overwhelmed and distracted. I have a hard time focusing my mind on too many things at once and if too much is thrown at me, I begin to fade out and lose interest. Take today for example. I have an interview this morning at a Children’s Foster Home in Moreno Valley. I had to learn about some very tough situations and share my personality strengths and weaknesses with the interviewer (I also did this yesterday in an office interview). Afterwards I went home for a bit and wrote a note to my landpeople expressing my desire to respect them and maintain peace. Then I had an ortho appointment and my orthodonist was telling me all the things wrong with my teeth and jaw, which required a lot of thinking on my end. Then I had a talk with my grandmother about it as well as relationship things, then a talk with my mother right afterward, and then the homeless guy in Riverside talked me as well for quite a while.

Anyways, I had originally planned to stay at the Starbucks and read for awhile, but my mind became so overwhelmed with the various thoughts and tangents that I had taken that I left an hour earlier then I had planned.  I had only read about three pages of my book. So now I am having to take a break and rest my mind from all the chaos (though not really chaos) of the day. I think my landlord wants to have a “meaningful discussion” with me, but I don’t know that I could handle that today.

I think I am going to hang with Chrissi in an hour, so I better rest, reflect, and recuperate from the overwhelmingness of my thoughts. Oh how they betray me!

To exercise more regularly

to read the word more regularly

to read more in general

to finish my book and seek out publishers

to learn more in the music field.

As per the request of the Jocelnater, I am writing something. It could well be much ado about nothing or it could be nothing about much ado…anyways, that is besides the point.
As I was saying before I started talking about something nothing, which I wasn’t really anyway, I am back, whatever back that it is.
It is summer and I have the blues…off and on that is. I call it Post-graduation syndrome or PGS. It is where you have just finished something cool (ie: graduating from a university) and now have no clue what to do with your life. I’ve considered quite a few options such as real estate or marketing in Nu Skin, getting my book published, such and such, and yes, applied at about 11 different retail locations (have heard back from NONE). So….
No one wants to hear a sob story to be quite frank. It’s boring. You think, “just get to the point and shut up already.” So anyways, to make this random blog short, I am praying and seeking the Lord A LOT these days (as I should normally), that He will guide wherever He desires. And also that I will have a clear mind instead of bouncing all over the place with ideas as I usually do.

So here I am, 2 1/2 weeks away from graduation, and have no clue what God is doing with my life. I know, join the club right? Me and 800+ other CBU graduating seniors must find themselves in the same boat. Here is what I don’t know:
If I will be able to go on my ISP trip to the U.K.
If I will be able to find a job
Where I am going to live
If I am going to go to grad school/seminary
What my future with Andrew is

All I know is that God is in control of all this. Somehow. I just want the pressure to end.

I have been trying-at least I think I am, and you’d think that by having a boyfriend that I love, I’d be over him, but even though I don’t have feelings for him anymore, I’m still frustrated. I thought I was fine, was letting all the anger and resentment go, but then to discover that while I had still liked him, he’d asked another girl out. Okay, this was a year ago, sure, but still, to have just learned that, in addition to all the disappointment I had felt before… just made me mad! And I have never talked to him about it…NEVER! I tried to send him an email and I did, but he never responded. He never said anything! I know its just his personality, and I feel like it will never happen, and even if I try to initiate a conversation about it, it’ll be weird. I don’t know what to do about it. I shouldn’t harbor anger and hurt about it. I keep thinking I’ve moved on, and even though I know that I’m over HIM, I’m not over IT. It’s not really his fault that I felt about him the way I did…He didn’t do much to encourage those feelings (maybe a bit in the beginning, but that soon dwindled). I feel like I will never be able to talk to him, and I don’t even know if I want to. But then I wonder, how will I have closure on this? I couldn’t even think about my homework tonight, because I felt so depressed. And it’s stupid. I have a boyfriend, I love him, why should care about some guy that never cared about me? SERIOUSLY…I have issues. I shouldn’t let these past feelings invade my thoughts. I don’t like him anymore, and I don’t even consider him as a friend anymore. I have always acted nice towards him and everything, but yet I still feel like we should have talked…but I know we never will.