The Laughingstock

I always thought I was independent and able to stand by myself. But now I see how wrong I was. I need people. Being in Thailand has been a wonderful experience and ministry opportunity, but it has also revealed to me things about myself that disgust me and have caused me to feel so alienated from those around me. I have seen the need for a change so desperately. I am finding myself pleading with God that he would change my heart and help me figure out who I need to be and how to interact with those around me. I pray that the Lord will guide me. I do not want to live in bondage to the person I thought I had overcome. I long to be free from the loneliness that I have inflicted upon myself.

As my days in Thailand are slowly coming to a close, I have discovered many things that the Lord is trying to teach me. The first is that I am not in control of what is happening around me. I know that there are times when I can be a control freak and expect situations to go a certain way, and if they suddenly change, I either a) freak out, b) completely lose focus of whats going on, c) both, as well as getting slightly frustrated and depressed. So… I am learning that God is in control of what is happening, and things can change, and rather suddenly too! The second thing I am learning is that I need to not be so sensitive and worriesome about the way people react or don’t react to things I do. If I say something I hope will be funny and they don’t laugh… oh well! It’s not the end of the world! If people on my team are forming little 2 person cliques and I am not a part of it, oh well! I am not here to necessarily become buddy buddy best friends with everyone on my team. I am here to serve and obey the Lord, and yeah, if the close friendships happen, that’s amazing, but I need to stop making that my priority while I am here. That was and is not the purpose of God putting me here. The third thing I am learning is to let go of myself. I know that I can be my biggest hindrance to what God could be wanting to use me for and I need to let go of that and be willing to take hold of the plans God has for me!