The Laughingstock

This summer has brought up unexpected happenings and realizations. It has been a time of challenges and change. I have learned more than I have ever before that the Lord is in control of all things. The desire to do something outside of myself has been ever stronger and learning to release the grip of control has been greatly challenging.
Six months to one year ago, I still held a very childlike mindset. I recall my constant want of attention and recognition, and the actions I would take to receive that. I remember how I wanted so badly to be with a certain individual of the male gender that I would try the most ridiculous methods of trying to win his heart. I need not repeat what those methods were, lest I laugh uncontrollably at my superfluous behavior. I kept searching for my identity in other people and constantly shifted my interests and desires in order to gain their friendship or approval. I really became aware of this during my ISP trip to Thailand. Alone in the room, I fell to my knees, broken before the Lord. I found myself praying, “Lord, change my heart, for I despise myself.” I didn’t know what it would take for my heart to be changed, but then I realized that I had to completely submit to the Lord and fully put my confidence in Him! Easier said than done. We have heard this over and over again and it seems like such a mundane phrase. But putting the phrase into practice, takes serious self-discipline that is founded on faith and confidence in the Lord.
Towards the end of this last semester: Frustrated over this one guy to the point of desperation, I finally threw up my hands and said, “Okay God! Enough is enough! Take my heart and my desires and do with them what you will!” Then there was peace; the hindrance to God’s will had been removed from my heart. I then saw a treasure that lay before me, one that had to be of God’s own design, for I would never have pictured it myself. Yet somehow, I had a feeling in my heart that this would happen. God has a way of showing that He ultimately has the power, and not us. And that this life is about serving Him, not ourselves.

This will be a short entry. I’m sure there will be more time for longer ones later. A quick recap though: I have been back from Thailand for nearly a month now, and I don’t know what it is, but I feel a definite change in the way I view life, the universe, and well, yes everything! It’s like God has completely rewired my brain and reformed my thinking. Well, I will certainly add more later!