The Laughingstock

So its the middle of the semester and I have returned. I am not sure how to laugh this time. I feel so torn that I am no longer myself. Things have changed again and keep changing and I keep wanting to make them just stop!! I’m constantly distracted and tired and stressed out. And then there’s this part of me that worries about what everyone thinks of me constantly, which isn’t helping. If I let myself be crazy and fun like I love to be, I am afriad that people will take it the wrong way or think that I am not responsible or that I don’t pay attention. I want to laugh, be free, run through the fields waving my arms like a crazy woman. I don’t want to care about the rest of the world’s condemnation. I’m tired of saying “I’m sorry” constantly to where I look like a spineless wimp. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m so gullible about everything, when I am not. And I am really tired of always thinking that someone is mad at me, even if they are not! I can’t focus, and I barely get anything done, and it’s driving me crazy! I am always trying to make people happy, trying to tell my friends that even when I am busy, I still love them, but its getting tiring. I push and push, and I think I am pushing too much.

Of course, there are a few laughable moments at work or with Andrew, but for the most part, I am unmotivated and depressed. I no longer have a church home, I’m too busy to get homework done or spend quality time with anyone, I miss my family, I don’t know what I am going to do 7 months from now when I graduate college, and I’m just darn confused 24 hours a day. ADD can be humorous at times, but other times, its just downright annoying.

Okay, so I have vented. I don’t even know who reads these crazy things anyway. Am I merely posting my thoughts to the great limitless world of cyberspace, where it is lost amongst all the stars? It doesn’t matter anyway. The only reason I actually have time to post such random thoughts is because I am actually at work and I should be reading the Cardinal Virtues by Aquinas, which I have barely started on and oh guess what? We have a test on MONDAY! Ahh! I guess that is somewhat laughable. This whole thing is, really. A year from now, I will probably look back on myself and just laugh. Yeah, no doubt that I will…If I’m still here that is.

And by the way, WordPress, it’s October 17th, NOT 18th. Might want to fix that, because I am already confused about what day of the week it is whenever I am at work and accidentally check tutor’s schedules that are for tomorrow and not for today. oops.