Where Do I Belong
January 9, 2010
McFee
I have now reached a point where I am asking myself this question.
The past three years has been about me discovering who I am and where I belong. For nineteen and a half years, it was with my family. I often felt like I was the odd ball child because I was independent and had differing ideas than the parents. In spite of that, I felt like I belonged with them. When I went to CBU down south I struggled with finding my purpose in a new world, but yet was thrilled with being on my own.
But now it has come to the point where it is likely that I will have to move back. It has been over three years since I lived with my family. Changes have come to them and to me. They are used to the way they live with eachother… without me there…
How will this work out? Will we fight like we used to? Will I be told “You don’t understand… you haven’t lived here in awhile… you don’t know what it’s like!” Will there be mutual respect and understanding? And how do I move on from living here all these years?
I just recently began to feel like I belonged. I have a wonderful church that I love serving at. The kids know me and I have three guitar students and a possible fourth, and now it all must be ended or put on hold because I can’t find a decent job to help pay rent. Not to mention I ow over $650 in loans every single month. And on an income that barely pays for gas and some food. So yeah, I am a bit frustrated.
Do I trust God? Yes I do. I know He has a plan. But still, I am frustrated. Why would he allow me to have all these guitar students and to greatly enjoy giving lessons, and have a great church, friends, and my wonderful boyfriend, and then say: “Sorry, you need to leave all that behind.” Do I sound selfish? Probably yes. I guess the main thing is that I love comfort and stability. I like to be in a place where I feel accepted and respected. I also like peace of mind and a stress free environment. The place I am renting from is not a stress free environment. It is a strange and awkward place. It is a beautiful home and they have a family and here I am living here, disrupting their quiet, structured lives. I can’t even eat in the kitchen because they have family dinner together.
I miss the family meals together. Yes my family is dysfunctional. I love them all the same. And it is hard eating with my bf’s family at times. Not because they are unaccepting, because they have been the most caring and accepting people I have known down here, but because I want a family of my own. And so, I have thought about marriage a lot. But then I realize that while that may seem an easy way out, it is certainly not something we are ready for. And so, I long for my family again. Yet at the same time, I know there is already a foursome living at their tiny house and the two dogs…. it will be an insane life.
I will have to start over. Find a new church, try to build clientele, make friends (because I really don’t have any up there), et cetera. I am willing to do this, but there may be many nights of tears. I love my family and miss them terribly. It would be nice to see them again. Even if we have to fight a lot like we used to. I have no idea what to expect. It could be completely different then three years ago. I do not know. I just don’t know.
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