Here I am Again

So its the middle of the semester and I have returned. I am not sure how to laugh this time. I feel so torn that I am no longer myself. Things have changed again and keep changing and I keep wanting to make them just stop!! I’m constantly distracted and tired and stressed out. And then there’s this part of me that worries about what everyone thinks of me constantly, which isn’t helping. If I let myself be crazy and fun like I love to be, I am afriad that people will take it the wrong way or think that I am not responsible or that I don’t pay attention. I want to laugh, be free, run through the fields waving my arms like a crazy woman. I don’t want to care about the rest of the world’s condemnation. I’m tired of saying “I’m sorry” constantly to where I look like a spineless wimp. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m so gullible about everything, when I am not. And I am really tired of always thinking that someone is mad at me, even if they are not! I can’t focus, and I barely get anything done, and it’s driving me crazy! I am always trying to make people happy, trying to tell my friends that even when I am busy, I still love them, but its getting tiring. I push and push, and I think I am pushing too much.

Of course, there are a few laughable moments at work or with Andrew, but for the most part, I am unmotivated and depressed. I no longer have a church home, I’m too busy to get homework done or spend quality time with anyone, I miss my family, I don’t know what I am going to do 7 months from now when I graduate college, and I’m just darn confused 24 hours a day. ADD can be humorous at times, but other times, its just downright annoying.

Okay, so I have vented. I don’t even know who reads these crazy things anyway. Am I merely posting my thoughts to the great limitless world of cyberspace, where it is lost amongst all the stars? It doesn’t matter anyway. The only reason I actually have time to post such random thoughts is because I am actually at work and I should be reading the Cardinal Virtues by Aquinas, which I have barely started on and oh guess what? We have a test on MONDAY! Ahh! I guess that is somewhat laughable. This whole thing is, really. A year from now, I will probably look back on myself and just laugh. Yeah, no doubt that I will…If I’m still here that is.

And by the way, WordPress, it’s October 17th, NOT 18th. Might want to fix that, because I am already confused about what day of the week it is whenever I am at work and accidentally check tutor’s schedules that are for tomorrow and not for today. oops.

2 comments October 18, 2008

Insane Overachiever

So I had a paper on Descartes due last night at 11:59pm. The requirement was 1800 words, or six pages. It ended up being close to 2400 words, not including the title page or bibliography. I then did the extra credit which was to write an annotated bibliography on the works of Descartes. Then I turned it in on Blackboard as well as emailing it to Dr. Skubik.
And I just now realized that the assignment was only worth 20 points.

Add a comment February 2, 2008

Random Thoughts and Woes

So once again I find myself completely confused and frustrated over a few many things.
1- what to do regarding school and career. Okay, I’m sure that 90 percent of students experience this same feeling. But I dont want to waste my time here. I want to know that what I am majoring in is really going to be useful later. I’m interested in so many things; music, teaching, theology, philosophy, english/writing. Its hard trying to pick which one. I’m also very afraid of the mass amount of debt that I am accumulating. I know God will provide, I just wish that I could firmly decide what it is I am doing.
2- a certain individual that I can’t seem to forget about even though I am trying very hard. I mean I have already decided to stop “pursuing him” if you even want to call it that. I am not writing him or calling him or inviting him at all. I think its stupid for a woman to be doing all the work. I just found that it takes a lot of work to get a conversation out of him. I know he is probably shy and nervous around me because I am a girl and all, but it shouldnt be this awkward. He’s a great guy and all. Very smart and intellectual, and a deep lover of Christ, interested in many things that I am, but it’s like we dont even really have a friendship. That’s kind of important to have.
3- Well one and two should be enough.

Add a comment January 11, 2008