As per the request of the Jocelnater, I am writing something. It could well be much ado about nothing or it could be nothing about much ado…anyways, that is besides the point.
As I was saying before I started talking about something nothing, which I wasn’t really anyway, I am back, whatever back that it is.
It is summer and I have the blues…off and on that is. I call it Post-graduation syndrome or PGS. It is where you have just finished something cool (ie: graduating from a university) and now have no clue what to do with your life. I’ve considered quite a few options such as real estate or marketing in Nu Skin, getting my book published, such and such, and yes, applied at about 11 different retail locations (have heard back from NONE). So….
No one wants to hear a sob story to be quite frank. It’s boring. You think, “just get to the point and shut up already.” So anyways, to make this random blog short, I am praying and seeking the Lord A LOT these days (as I should normally), that He will guide wherever He desires. And also that I will have a clear mind instead of bouncing all over the place with ideas as I usually do.

So here I am, 2 1/2 weeks away from graduation, and have no clue what God is doing with my life. I know, join the club right? Me and 800+ other CBU graduating seniors must find themselves in the same boat. Here is what I don’t know:
If I will be able to go on my ISP trip to the U.K.
If I will be able to find a job
Where I am going to live
If I am going to go to grad school/seminary
What my future with Andrew is

All I know is that God is in control of all this. Somehow. I just want the pressure to end.

I have been trying-at least I think I am, and you’d think that by having a boyfriend that I love, I’d be over him, but even though I don’t have feelings for him anymore, I’m still frustrated. I thought I was fine, was letting all the anger and resentment go, but then to discover that while I had still liked him, he’d asked another girl out. Okay, this was a year ago, sure, but still, to have just learned that, in addition to all the disappointment I had felt before… just made me mad! And I have never talked to him about it…NEVER! I tried to send him an email and I did, but he never responded. He never said anything! I know its just his personality, and I feel like it will never happen, and even if I try to initiate a conversation about it, it’ll be weird. I don’t know what to do about it. I shouldn’t harbor anger and hurt about it. I keep thinking I’ve moved on, and even though I know that I’m over HIM, I’m not over IT. It’s not really his fault that I felt about him the way I did…He didn’t do much to encourage those feelings (maybe a bit in the beginning, but that soon dwindled). I feel like I will never be able to talk to him, and I don’t even know if I want to. But then I wonder, how will I have closure on this? I couldn’t even think about my homework tonight, because I felt so depressed. And it’s stupid. I have a boyfriend, I love him, why should care about some guy that never cared about me? SERIOUSLY…I have issues. I shouldn’t let these past feelings invade my thoughts. I don’t like him anymore, and I don’t even consider him as a friend anymore. I have always acted nice towards him and everything, but yet I still feel like we should have talked…but I know we never will.

Okay, I know I really shouldn’t freak out about this, but I will admit it, I’m getting a bit concerned about my weight. When I gained 7 pounds during the summer, it wasn’t too big of a deal. Sure it was annoying, but I was still fairly fit and trim. Now, twenty pounds heavier, it’s starting to become an issue. What bothers me is that it has never been an issue before, and I’m at the highest weight I have ever been. I don’t know exactly why this has occured, I can only speculate. Could be the fact that I sleep more, work a bit less, am president of the Cooking Club… I am not totally sure, but I need to get it under control before it becomes a real problem.

Does it really seem like I’m never happy? As if all I do is complain about something? At least that’s what she says. But honestly, if I just pretend like everything is fine all the time and not vent just a little, I’ll burst. I don’t always want to talk about it openly, because, lets face it, not all things are worth talking about in detail; but I do want to let the pressure from within out once in awhile. There are things that bother me such as: extreme messiness, or people taking my stuff without asking, or telling me that I shouldn’t leave my toothbrush on the counter… honestly, that kind of stuff shouldn’t be happening all the time. Okay, I’m not the neatest person in the world, I’ll admit, but after awhile, it just gets to me. Why am I sitting here, venting, when I should be sleeping? This is utterly absurd. I just feel unhappy and distant from them. I ask how they are doing, and I get very vague answers. I ask her what her feelings are about things, and I feel like I don’t always hear the absolute truth. And what I do hear, is never very positive. Am I needed even at all? Do they ever want to hear what I am trying to say? Or do they just nod their head and act like they are listening, but really don’t care? I want to talk, I want to feel like I can talk to them, really and truly, but I can’t. Each word is as heavy as lead, pushed, and forced, harder than they need to be.

A secret kept so silent

locked away, the key thrown away

you think no one will find it

until he breaks the lock.

So its the middle of the semester and I have returned. I am not sure how to laugh this time. I feel so torn that I am no longer myself. Things have changed again and keep changing and I keep wanting to make them just stop!! I’m constantly distracted and tired and stressed out. And then there’s this part of me that worries about what everyone thinks of me constantly, which isn’t helping. If I let myself be crazy and fun like I love to be, I am afriad that people will take it the wrong way or think that I am not responsible or that I don’t pay attention. I want to laugh, be free, run through the fields waving my arms like a crazy woman. I don’t want to care about the rest of the world’s condemnation. I’m tired of saying “I’m sorry” constantly to where I look like a spineless wimp. I’m tired of everyone thinking I’m so gullible about everything, when I am not. And I am really tired of always thinking that someone is mad at me, even if they are not! I can’t focus, and I barely get anything done, and it’s driving me crazy! I am always trying to make people happy, trying to tell my friends that even when I am busy, I still love them, but its getting tiring. I push and push, and I think I am pushing too much.

Of course, there are a few laughable moments at work or with Andrew, but for the most part, I am unmotivated and depressed. I no longer have a church home, I’m too busy to get homework done or spend quality time with anyone, I miss my family, I don’t know what I am going to do 7 months from now when I graduate college, and I’m just darn confused 24 hours a day. ADD can be humorous at times, but other times, its just downright annoying.

Okay, so I have vented. I don’t even know who reads these crazy things anyway. Am I merely posting my thoughts to the great limitless world of cyberspace, where it is lost amongst all the stars? It doesn’t matter anyway. The only reason I actually have time to post such random thoughts is because I am actually at work and I should be reading the Cardinal Virtues by Aquinas, which I have barely started on and oh guess what? We have a test on MONDAY! Ahh! I guess that is somewhat laughable. This whole thing is, really. A year from now, I will probably look back on myself and just laugh. Yeah, no doubt that I will…If I’m still here that is.

And by the way, WordPress, it’s October 17th, NOT 18th. Might want to fix that, because I am already confused about what day of the week it is whenever I am at work and accidentally check tutor’s schedules that are for tomorrow and not for today. oops.

Here I am, once again, longing for things that once were, and fearful of things to come. I have anticipated much for this year, and already it seems that I have fallen back again into old habits and hangups, and have been disappointed by unmet expectations. I had not anticipated being busier than I was last year; I had figured that by dropping choir, I would have more time to invest in homework, friends, a relationship, devotion, and work. Well it seems that the primary focus of that category has been work, followed by homework. I feel that the closeness I had felt growing last year with my roommates is slipping away. All three of us are dating someone, and no matter how hard we try to make time for each other, there just is no time, and our attentions have been turned to focus on our relationships primarily, and not on each other. I guess what makes this really hard is that last year was full of such awesome (and yes, hectic and frustrating) times of growing together, confiding in one another about our emotional issues, going on random adventures, has fallen by the wayside.

Meanwhile, while I am enjoying my classes immensely (especially the ones taught by Dr. Key, no S), I feel constantly distracted by so many other things: things that weigh heavy on my mind and heart. What am I going to do after graduation, which is rapidly approaching, even though it seems so far off? Is this relationship I am in truly honoring God, and is it the direction God is pushing me towards? Not only are those the kinds of questions I am dealing with, but I also want to be there for the friends that are truly struggling emotionally with many issues in their lives.

This summer has brought up unexpected happenings and realizations. It has been a time of challenges and change. I have learned more than I have ever before that the Lord is in control of all things. The desire to do something outside of myself has been ever stronger and learning to release the grip of control has been greatly challenging.
Six months to one year ago, I still held a very childlike mindset. I recall my constant want of attention and recognition, and the actions I would take to receive that. I remember how I wanted so badly to be with a certain individual of the male gender that I would try the most ridiculous methods of trying to win his heart. I need not repeat what those methods were, lest I laugh uncontrollably at my superfluous behavior. I kept searching for my identity in other people and constantly shifted my interests and desires in order to gain their friendship or approval. I really became aware of this during my ISP trip to Thailand. Alone in the room, I fell to my knees, broken before the Lord. I found myself praying, “Lord, change my heart, for I despise myself.” I didn’t know what it would take for my heart to be changed, but then I realized that I had to completely submit to the Lord and fully put my confidence in Him! Easier said than done. We have heard this over and over again and it seems like such a mundane phrase. But putting the phrase into practice, takes serious self-discipline that is founded on faith and confidence in the Lord.
Towards the end of this last semester: Frustrated over this one guy to the point of desperation, I finally threw up my hands and said, “Okay God! Enough is enough! Take my heart and my desires and do with them what you will!” Then there was peace; the hindrance to God’s will had been removed from my heart. I then saw a treasure that lay before me, one that had to be of God’s own design, for I would never have pictured it myself. Yet somehow, I had a feeling in my heart that this would happen. God has a way of showing that He ultimately has the power, and not us. And that this life is about serving Him, not ourselves.

This will be a short entry. I’m sure there will be more time for longer ones later. A quick recap though: I have been back from Thailand for nearly a month now, and I don’t know what it is, but I feel a definite change in the way I view life, the universe, and well, yes everything! It’s like God has completely rewired my brain and reformed my thinking. Well, I will certainly add more later!